So yesterday was my appointment for an abortion.  After waiting for an hour, they called me in and determined that I am too early to have an abortion so I have to come back in a week.  How much difference can a week make???? And to top off my day, both my mother and my sister called, which left me two choices...ignore them and hope that they will just assume I am busy or talk to them and hope that I can act somewhat normal and not break down and tell them.  So I talked to my sister...for an hour and can I tell you how hard that was!  We talked about everything, her work, my work, her husband, the guy I'm dating and the drama that comes with that whole situation (minus the fact that I am pregnant), and the whole time I am trying to not let it slip.  I didn't talk to my mom, but I know full well that I am going to have to sooner or later.  She sounded a little concerned on her voice mail and she texted today.  I have a feeling when I talk to her everything will come spilling out and I am not sure I am ready to deal with the consequences of that.  I know that she is not going to be upset with me, she was so good with me the last time, even offered to raise the baby as her own.  But I don't want to disappoint her and I don't want her to worry about me.  My other sister called me last week, actually it was my niece and I have yet to call her back.  If I don't start returning people's calls and FB messages, they are going to start to worry, but I just can't bring myself to do it.  I feel like I am a fraud, like I am hiding this huge part of me right now.  So much for being honest right?  I keep contemplating just sending a group message to my mom and sisters with the link to my blog and deal with the aftermath once they read it, but is that the right way to tell them what's going on in my life?  Is it fair to them to have to read it online?
I had an interesting conversation with the guy on Monday night, he has been really good lately and checking on me to make sure I'm ok and see if I need anything, but he could tell something was wrong.  I told him that I had mixed feelings about my appointment the next day, that I wasn't sure that this is really what I wanted to do.  His response shocked me.  He said that he would completely understand if I chose to keep the baby, that it wouldn't be easy but we would figure something out.  That was probably one of the best things he could say, even though I know that realistically that is not an option for us.  Neither one of us are in a place right now where it would be fair to bring a new baby into the world.  I can't raise a baby, I can't afford a baby, I can barely afford to take care of myself and I sure as hell cannot carry a baby for 9 months and just give it away to someone else.  But it is good to know that he is not completely against keeping it if that is what I choose.