So we have decided on abortion.  If it were not for this situation with this guy I would keep it, but realistically that is not the smartest idea for any of us involved.  So as I sit with this decision at home by myself I am sad.  I am sad and angry.  I am sad that this is happening at all.  I am angry that while I am sitting here by myself, he is at home with his kids (not that I begrudge him any time with his kids, it is important to him and that makes it important to me) and his friends, and his ex.  I keep wondering why is she there?  Is she there because the baby is there and not staying the night like his son is?  Is she there because he is spending time with her?  Is she there to just kick it with everyone?  While I sit here miserable by myself I am angry at her for getting his attention and I wonder is it just because she is the mother of his children? Is she using that to her advantage because she wants him back, which she has made very clear she does?  I am angry at him, because although he says he is here and to let him know if I need anything, I know that if I need anything he is at home, having a bbq with his friends and he can't just up and leave if I do need anything.  I sit here alone upset and wondering what to do next.  Next...find a doctor, make an appointment, problem solved right?  We shall see.  I am hoping that the reason all of these issues are now bothering me is because I am going through this and maybe once it is over all these worries and feelings of doubt with my standing in his life will go away.  I was not this insecure about it before so why would I be now?  How did I end up here?  Pregnant and wanting to be with this guy that was not supposed to be a serious thing.  Why did I let myself get here?  I guess only time will tell.