I would love to know one little question...How is it that in a 5yr relationship, not once did I have a pregnancy scare, but 6 months prior to that relationship and 2 months after that relationship I do. Ok, I guess they weren't really scares, they were/are actualities.
Yes, that would mean that today I found out that I am pregnant. Not due to a lack of precaution, those precautions seem to have failed me...in the most serious way possible. Not only is this devastating news because I don't want kids, don't have the ability to take care of a kid and am in completely the wrong place in life. This is devastating because the guy, the father, who I spoke about in my last post, already has two kids, one of which is an infant. He doesn't want more kids, I have no idea what to do with kids. Don't get me wrong, I am great with kids, in short periods of time. What the heck would I do with a kid? I see how screwed up I am...how screwed up would my kid be?
I had an abortion in 2005 and was completely ok with my decision. I knew that it was not fair to bring a child into the world at that point, and I knew that I would never be able to give it up for adoption. So that was my choice. Over the years I have questioned it once or twice, but realistically I know that it was the right decision. But can I make that decision twice? Am I stronger now? Am I more capable now? Do I want children now? Will I ever know the answers to any of these questions?
So now here comes the question...what do I do? Oh yeah...did I mention that we work together and people just recently found out that we were dating, not even close to everyone, but some people. And they had a grand ol time with that tidbit of information, I can only imagine what they would do with this! And what happens if/when things go south with us (if this doesn't cause it to sooner rather than later) then what will people say or think? Yes I know, it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks or says, but ultimately it does to me, especially when I see these people more than I see anyone else in life.
Is it wrong to share this with whomever may be reading this and no one but my two close friends and the guy? Maybe, but there is no way I can disappoint my mother and sister twice. As good as they were to me the last time around, I know it was not one of their prouder moments of me...why do that to them twice?
So much to think about when all I wanna do is just crawl into bed with my blankie and forget the world.
Things happen for a reason! You like this guy? Let him put a smile on your face! I'll bet he likes you too. And so what if things don't work out... live and learn my sweet.
ReplyDeleteWho says you have to keep the baby? You're a big girl. What do you and the Father want to do? It's up to you guys! Your family will still love you! And if your friends give you grief, then they aren't your friends! SCREW THEM! You can carry the child and give it up for adoption like I was going to do. I changed my mind when I started feeling the wee one rolling around in my belly. I knew I couldn't do it. I decided right there and then that I couldn't live with myself! I was the best decision I ever made! But, that was good for me! Go crawl in bed with your blankie and cry, then cry some more. Ask the heavens for help. The Spirits are listening. You would be surprised how straightened out I got when my little one came on the scene! It was all about her, and me being the best Mommy I could be. We aren't given a manual when we're born, we just do the best we can do. Take the good stuff we've learned from our past and make it work. Let go of the bad and the negative. You think negative, you get negative.
Talk to your guy. Ask him questions! Don't be afraid to ask questions! And do what's good for you!
I have to agree with the person who commented on your post. First and foremost you have to make a decision that works for you and you get through it however you need to. And she is right in saying that what you put into the universe you receive. If you expect the negative you will get the negative. The Universe only knows how to say yes. If you plant a carrot seed you get carrots, remember that and it will help you remember that your thoughts are seeds. Plant love and positive, highest good qualities, then you will receive love and joy and peace and abundance. Sounds simple but is the hardest thing to learn as well. Love yourself, you are perfect, whole and complete right here and right now.
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