I have realized more and more that fear dictates so many decisions in my life and I wonder is it the same for everyone? At this very moment I am completely torn between decisions...do I just take a leap knowing full well that I am almost guaranteed to be hurt in the process? Or do I let that fear hold me back...again? When is it ok to just let go and follow your heart and ignore that fear? Is it worth it to lose out on a possible great person or opportunity? Is it actually fear that is holding me back or is it real live logic and rational thinking that I am attributing to fear because that is what I am used to? Fear...it is a strange and complex thing the more I think about it.
Recently single, I thought it would be fun to date like a normal 20 something would do. I have never really done that and figured now is the time. Go out, have some fun, meet some new people. So what do I do? I spend time with a guy I have known for a little while, who also happens to be recently single with 2 kids and an ex that doesn't want to let go. We have a ton of fun together but there is still that nagging thought in the back of my head that he will go back. Which should be fine right? I don't want anything serious and neither does he. But still it bothers me and no matter how hard I try I still find myself liking him and perking up just a bit when I see him or hear from him. I notice while I'm texting him I have this stupid smile on my face...what the hell happened to me? I set out to have fun and be young only to end up right here. Not dating anyone else that wants to take me out partly because I am ok where I am at and partly because what if it ruins what may be here? What if I start liking someone else? What if they don't actually like me? All of this boils down to me being scared of something in one way or another.
I have wanted to go to culinary school since I can remember. Not just any culinary school, the CIA in New York which is by far one of the greatest culinary schools in the country. I was recently reminded of this dream and it makes me wonder when did I stop dreaming and what made me never pursue it? I can answer the second question...fear. I am terrified of going to school and not being good enough (which is another recurring theme in my life). How would I live? How would I be by myself? How would I pay for it? And again...am I really good enough? Yes I know that there are ways around all of these questions, or at least most of them. Student loans, eventually I'll meet people or learn that being alone is ok, part time jobs or night school. All of these things seem pretty easy and self explanatory but still I have a feeling I will never pursue it and that makes me sad because somewhere deep down I know that I am good enough and I know I would be happier than I have been in a long time.
What I wouldn't give to be one of those people that is so carefree and just floats through life with not a worry in the world. How do they get there? Is it that easy? Is it a better way to be? Sure seems that way and my plan is to get just a little closer to that life and actually live. Not based on fear but based on what I want and what makes me happy. And to get rid of all those nagging voices in my head that tell me I am not good enough or that I can't do something.
The unknown is always scary. And you can do anything you set your mind to doing! Being alone, but not really alone, is the hardest feeling to cope with in the whole world! I, recently going through, perhaps a mid life crisis knows this feeling all too well. Did I ever know myself? Not really. I had a baby at 28 years old. A single parent, small income, but with lot's of love for the little life growing inside of me. I wasn't sure I could deal. Nothing to offer. I just did whatI had to do to get by and be the best Mom I could be to this new life I was in charge of. You can still follow your dreams, your family will love you no matter what, and you will survive this moment. You're young and unsure and scared. Do what you feel is right in your heart. Close your eyes, listen to the wind, the birds, the rain, your inner voice. Don't worry about what other people think, or what you think they are thinking.
ReplyDeleteYou are asking yourself the life questions that everyone eventually has to ask if they are to become truly aware. We are all afraid at one time or another, afraid to be alone, afraid to try something new. Afraid to follow our dreams and our heart for fear of failure. Remember that failure is part of the learning curve. It isn't the end of the world, it is just one step along the way. Failure means that you are stepping outside your comfort zone and exploring the universe. Going to New York and going to school, or going to school where you are at right now are just steps in a journey and life is the journey, you might as well know now that no matter how old you get you will still be on a journey. There is no "getting there", no matter where you get to there will always be further to go. We are put here on this planet to learn and grow, that never stops. You get to choose how that happens! Try to choose from love, for yourself first, then for others. If you do that you can never go wrong. It is not wrong to choose to be loving towards yourself. It isn't selfish, it is self care.
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