So we have decided on abortion.  If it were not for this situation with this guy I would keep it, but realistically that is not the smartest idea for any of us involved.  So as I sit with this decision at home by myself I am sad.  I am sad and angry.  I am sad that this is happening at all.  I am angry that while I am sitting here by myself, he is at home with his kids (not that I begrudge him any time with his kids, it is important to him and that makes it important to me) and his friends, and his ex.  I keep wondering why is she there?  Is she there because the baby is there and not staying the night like his son is?  Is she there because he is spending time with her?  Is she there to just kick it with everyone?  While I sit here miserable by myself I am angry at her for getting his attention and I wonder is it just because she is the mother of his children? Is she using that to her advantage because she wants him back, which she has made very clear she does?  I am angry at him, because although he says he is here and to let him know if I need anything, I know that if I need anything he is at home, having a bbq with his friends and he can't just up and leave if I do need anything.  I sit here alone upset and wondering what to do next.  Next...find a doctor, make an appointment, problem solved right?  We shall see.  I am hoping that the reason all of these issues are now bothering me is because I am going through this and maybe once it is over all these worries and feelings of doubt with my standing in his life will go away.  I was not this insecure about it before so why would I be now?  How did I end up here?  Pregnant and wanting to be with this guy that was not supposed to be a serious thing.  Why did I let myself get here?  I guess only time will tell.

I would love to know one little question...How is it that in a 5yr relationship, not once did I have a pregnancy scare, but 6 months prior to that relationship and 2 months after that relationship I do.  Ok, I guess they weren't really scares, they were/are actualities.
Yes, that would mean that today I found out that I am pregnant.  Not due to a lack of precaution, those precautions seem to have failed me...in the most serious way possible.  Not only is this devastating news because I don't want kids, don't have the ability to take care of a kid and am in completely the wrong place in life.  This is  devastating because the guy, the father, who I spoke about in my last post, already has two kids, one of which is an infant.  He doesn't want more kids, I have no idea what to do with kids.  Don't get me wrong, I am great with kids, in short periods of time.  What the heck would I do with a kid?  I see how screwed up I am...how screwed up would my kid be?
I had an abortion in 2005 and was completely ok with my decision.  I knew that it was not fair to bring a child into the world at that point, and I knew that I would never be able to give it up for adoption.  So that was my choice.  Over the years I have questioned it once or twice, but realistically I know that it was the right decision.  But can I make that decision twice?  Am I stronger now?  Am I more capable now?  Do I want children now?  Will I ever know the answers to any of these questions?
So now here comes the question...what do I do?  Oh yeah...did I mention that we work together and people just recently found out that we were dating, not even close to everyone, but some people.  And they had a grand ol time with that tidbit of information, I can only imagine what they would do with this!  And what happens if/when things go south with us (if this doesn't cause it to sooner rather than later) then what will people say or think?  Yes I know, it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks or says, but ultimately it does to me, especially when I see these people more than I see anyone else in life.
Is it wrong to share this with whomever may be reading this and no one but my two close friends and the guy?  Maybe, but there is no way I can disappoint my mother and sister twice.  As good as they were to me the last time around, I know it was not one of their prouder moments of me...why do that to them twice?
So much to think about when all I wanna do is just crawl into bed with my blankie and forget the world.

I have realized more and more that fear dictates so many decisions in my life and I wonder is it the same for everyone?  At this very moment I am completely torn between decisions...do I just take a leap knowing full well that I am almost guaranteed to be hurt in the process?  Or do I let that fear hold me back...again?  When is it ok to just let go and follow your heart and ignore that fear?  Is it worth it to lose out on a possible great person or opportunity?  Is it actually fear that is holding me back or is it real live logic and rational thinking that I am attributing to fear because that is what I am used to?  Fear...it is a strange and complex thing the more I think about it.
Recently single, I thought it would be fun to date like a normal 20 something would do.  I have never really done that and figured now is the time.  Go out, have some fun, meet some new people.  So what do I do?  I spend time with a guy I have known for a little while, who also happens to be recently single with 2 kids and an ex that doesn't want to let go.  We have a ton of fun together but there is still that nagging thought in the back of my head that he will go back.  Which should be fine right?  I don't want anything serious and neither does he.  But still it bothers me and no matter how hard I try I still find myself liking him and perking up just a bit when I see him or hear from him.  I notice while I'm texting him I have this stupid smile on my face...what the hell happened to me?  I set out to have fun and be young only to end up right here. Not dating anyone else that wants to take me out partly because I am ok where I am at and partly because what if it ruins what may be here?  What if I start liking someone else?  What if they don't actually like me?  All of this boils down to me being scared of something in one way or another.
I have wanted to go to culinary school since I can remember.  Not just any culinary school, the CIA in New York which is by far one of the greatest culinary schools in the country.  I was recently reminded of this dream and it makes me wonder when did I stop dreaming and what made me never pursue it?  I can answer the second question...fear.  I am terrified of going to school and not being good enough (which is another recurring theme in my life).  How would I live?  How would I be by myself?  How would I pay for it?  And again...am I really good enough?  Yes I know that there are ways around all of these questions, or at least most of them.  Student loans, eventually I'll meet people or learn that being alone is ok, part time jobs or night school.  All of these things seem pretty easy and self explanatory but still I have a feeling I will never pursue it and that makes me sad because somewhere deep down I know that I am good enough and I know I would be happier than I have been in a long time.
What I wouldn't give to be one of those people that is so carefree and just floats through life with not a worry in the world.  How do they get there?  Is it that easy? Is it a better way to be?  Sure seems that way and my plan is to get just a little closer to that life and actually live.  Not based on fear but based on what I want and what makes me happy.  And to get rid of all those nagging voices in my head that tell me I am not good enough or that I can't do something.

As the time passes this year I have begun thinking more and more of what has happened in the last 10 years.  Maybe I should rephrase that..I have begun thinking of what I have chosen for my life in the past 10 years. I have started to realize that so many of my choices in life have been largely based on other people and what they want and makes them happy, not what I want or would make me happy.  I have been so scared to be myself so many times (actually for the last 20 years), for fear that people wouldn't really like me or accept me.  Not saying that people don't see the real me, but very few have seen anywhere close to  the real me as a whole person.  I am like a chameleon.  I can adapt to any type of person or group or personality.  Granted it may take me a little bit, but I do it...a lot.  All I have to do is observe and get a read on people, find out what they like and who they seem to be and I can mold myself to fit in.  A lot of the time I am still me just enhanced to be more appealing to whomever I am around at the time.  I have many different faces, which most people do, but I think that my ability and need to try and please people has resulted in losing myself...or never actually finding it to begin with.  I remember the exact day that I started worrying about what people thought and realized that it does matter what people think or it will at least affect you on one level or another and I wonder how at the age of 8, that one experience shaped the last 10-20 years of my life.
Here is my goal...even if no one reads this, I will use this as my therapy.  This will be the one place that I will be 100% honest about everything.  Maybe after some time, I can translate that honesty into my everyday life.