I am feeling very unsettled right now...completely by my own doing but still unsettled.  Not sure where I stand, I know that I am with a person that when I am in any close vicinity I want to be closer and when I am close this amazing calm comes over me.  That should be a good thing right?  If only I could keep that calm feeling all the time.  I feel like I am going to get played, I feel like I am going to come away from this looking like a fool.  But another part of me feels like I trust him so much and that he wouldn't do that to me.   Is it smart to trust someone so much when there are parts of you screaming at you to not?  The dumb thing is that those feelings of mistrust don't come from him (you think they would with everything we have been through) but no, they come from his ex who every once in a while feels the need to text me random BS things...so every time those feelings of mistrust come up all I can think is don't let her win.  And I don't care how childish that sounds, that is how I feel.  I know that there is a good thing here and it is a perfect relationship for where I need to be right now.  Plenty of time for me and still someone to be close with when we can.
This should have been a good weekend.  Our weekend.  But I don't think it could have turned out any more opposite of that.  Friday was up and down and all over the place.  Saturday could have been a good day, til the end and Sunday was just a day...The thing that really kills me with all this is that there are no issues between us and absolutely no drama until she comes along.  I was really good at not letting her get to me for a  long while, but now it has reached the point where I am completely fed up with her childish behavior and it just gets to me to the point that I lose it.  It's like she just weasels her way into his life any chance she can, especially when she knows he will be with me.
I am beginning to think that I am getting too close, may be time to back off...maybe see other people.  Time to have a chat and figure this stuff out once and for all.  Cause there is no way that I will continue with the rollercoaster that has been the last couple of days.

Why do I want to be single?  Did I make that decision because I wasn't with the right person or because of some other reasons?  I don't mind being single, I can do what I want and eat what I want and not have to worry about anyone or anything but me.  Sounds pretty selfish, but I came to miss that over the last 4 years.  I missed my independence, my voice and my ability to make whatever decision I wanted without regard for how it would affect someone else.  One perk to being single is meeting new people and the attention that that brings, which I must admit is nice.  But when I think about it, it is the same amount of attention that my ex gave me.  So why do I enjoy this attention now when it was starting to grate on my nerves with him?  Is it because it is someone new? Is it because I have caught the attention of more than one person?  Or is it because I now have the power?  I am thinking it may be all of the above.  I have the control again over that attention and what I want to do with it or if I even want it.
At the ripe old age of 28, I have begun to wonder if I have already met my "soul mate" and let them get away. If there is just one person out there that you are meant to be with for the rest of your life.  I have dated some great guys and some not so great guys.  In the last two months two of those great guys informed me that they wanted to marry me.  What am I supposed to do with that information?  Do they say that to make me regret my decisions or does it somehow give them some sort of closure...who knows, but it does make me wonder, have I passed on love?  The logical part of me knows that if it is meant to be it will be, but the not so logical side says I am going to continually pass on great people for so many reasons that may or may not be the right ones.  There has been a long running joke among some of my friends that I will become the cat lady.  I sometimes wonder if that is true.  I'm not even sure if I am not ok with that.  Yeah it would be nice to grow old with someone and have kids to pass things down to, but at the same time who says that the person you love now will be the person you will love 50 years from now.  I am so fickle and am constantly changing, I am  not sure that I will ever find one person that will make me happy for that long.  I eventually get restless or bored or find someone else that catches my eye and once something is in my head there is no going back.  Maybe that will change, but somehow I think that is a big part of who I am.  Constantly wanting something more, something different.  I guess for now that is good because I have the world at my fingertips.  Just gotta do something with it.

Feeling a little better today.  I hurt like hell but made it through an entire day of work.  It is nice to have my brain back, I don't deal well with being such an emotional roller coaster.  Feeling better about my decision, I know it was the right thing to do.  Things are still a little up in the air with me and they guy and I am trying to not dwell on it.  He seems to be just as confused as I am, just about different things, so no matter what we will work through things as friends if nothing else.  Need to keep telling myself that whatever is going to happen will happen regardless of what I want or do.  Hopefully will have something a little more settled next week, but we shall see.  I have the whole weekend to myself, which I would like to say I am ok with but a large chunk of me is not.  But I plan to try to keep myself busy as much as I can while feeling like someone beat me up.  Kind of a weird weekend, I keep thinking I could go see my family, but then I realize that my sister is no longer there and my mom is out of town for a week, so here I sit with myself.  I need to get better at being with myself and plan to work on that.  One thing at a time...make it through the weekend and make it a good one.
I am thinking that 2011 is a year of confusion, not just in my life.  I have seen so many friends go through so many ups and downs this year and I don't know if it is because I am more aware of it or it really is just a tough year all around.  No one seems to know what they are doing or what they want, but I guess at least we are all a mess together!

Ok, so time for me to get back to original plan when I became single.  Time to focus on me and my goals.  I am sure I will hit some roadblocks along the way and if I do then they were meant to be there.  I will deal with them as they come.  Not saying that I will become a hermit just to focus on me.  If people enter my life I will be open to it, but guys will not be my focus.  If I do find someone I want to date, I need to stick to the idea of fun, not anything serious.  Somehow that plan completely failed both of us this time around.  That's what it was supposed to be, someone to go have a few beers with and have fun.  How did it turn into us both being surprised at how well we got along and how much fun we did have together?  He told me today that he was working some things out with her, just to be sure.  I don't understand how you can't be sure that you are doing the right thing when that person treats you horribly and you are uncomfortable around and you argue with constantly.  But if that is what he needs then so be it.  I told him that he would regret his decision, not talking about me, just what he is doing and he said I already do...people make no sense sometimes.  He said he knew that he fucked up a great thing with me and him and he was sorry.  Whatever, guys say girls are complicated!  He is unfortunately basing his decisions on what his family wants and what she wants, not what he wants and will make him happy.  I don't understand how people that supposedly care about you, especially your family would want you to be anywhere that does not make you happy.  But his family has disowned him because he left his family.  Sure he had really bad timing on when he chose to leave them, but does that make it ok for them to disown him?  He will still be in my life.  We are too good of friends to just bail on that.  And I think it will be nice to have someone who is that close to me without any other distractions.  He told me today that no matter what his ex says we were friends before and we will continue to be friends.  He also said they are not necessarily getting back together, so whatever that may mean, I am here if he needs a friend and he is there if I need a friend.  Tomorrow is going to suck, but it is the best for me in this place in my life .  I am sure this will be one of those things I look back and wonder what the hell I was thinking but I will also know that my decision was the right one at the time.
My mind is in so many different places today it is hard to focus on any one thing.  I am hoping that it is hormones and I will go back to normal soon.  I am hoping that I will truly be able to let go of the last month or so and the guy in anything more than a friend capacity.  I also wonder if I actually do like him as much as it seems or if he was just an easy distraction and someone to occupy my time so that I didn't have to focus on me.  I can say it was nice to have someone to go out and have fun with, cuddle with, talk with, but not have that serious attachment to.  But now that I don't have that it seems like the attachment was there without my even realizing it.  Is it him or just a warm body?  Who knows, but I intend on not falling into that again.  I do not need a guy to occupy my time, although I really do enjoy spending time with guys more than I do girls.  Just need to find guys that actually want to be friends without ulterior motives...

What a shitty couple of days...not even sure where to start.  How about with Saturday when I received a text message that the guy's ex found out I was pregnant.  That was awesome!  And then later we had the discussion of whether or not we wanted to continue seeing each other, which I said I did of course.  And yes I was dumb enough to ask if he wanted to.  His answer? Yes, I think.  So I told him maybe he should think about whether he really did want to.  Stupid me.  Didn't hear from him for a few hours only to receive a text that he would call me when he put his kids to bed.  Yeah no phone call that night, but a text the next morning wanting to know if he could come by after he dropped the kids off so that we could talk. Kiss of death, I'm not stupid.  So I told him to just tell me whatever it was that he wanted to tell me.  Which was that he thought it was not fair to me to have to deal with all of this.  I said fine, we will be friends, I just want him to be happy.  How dumb could I be???  He came over later that night and the first thing I asked was if he was getting back with his ex...his answer?  We are going to work on some things.  That set me off!  I told him that he should have said that to begin with and not have made it about being fair to me.  He said he wished we had met earlier...what like 10 years ago? (yes I actually said that to him) he apologized for saying it.  I asked what the point was of introducing me to his friends and making plans for his birthday was if this is what he was going to do.  Didn't really get an answer on that. I asked him what happened to that night that he was with her and was so uncomfortable and didn't feel like himself, he said that it was still that way and he still wasn't comfortable with her.  So what the fuck are you gonna do dumbass???  Spend the rest of your life uncomfortable just to please your family?  Just to make everyone happy but yourself???  I guess so.
So here I sit...alone and sad and angry.  Oh yeah and pregnant.  I feel so alone and do not want to go through this alone, but now it seems I don't have a choice.  I deleted him from my phone, no call logs, no text messages, no listing in my contacts.  Just so when I get the urge to text him (which I have a lot) I can't.  And he hasn't even checked in to see how I am feeling.  We were friends first but now I know that will not be possible if he is with his ex, she won't allow that.  I really do want what is best for him, even if that means not hanging out with him, but I don't believe that the choices he is making are best for him or even good for him.  I will be here if he needs me and he knows that.  But even if you don't want to be with me, we still created this issue and I think you should man up and at least make sure I am ok even if you don't want to be with me. I would love to know how you go from liking someone and making plans with them to just dropping them like they never were.  Wednesday is my appointment for an abortion and I will be going through it alone.  How much I wish my sister were here to take care of me and make me feel better.  But she isn't.  I did this and now I have to deal with the consequences on my own.

So yesterday was my appointment for an abortion.  After waiting for an hour, they called me in and determined that I am too early to have an abortion so I have to come back in a week.  How much difference can a week make???? And to top off my day, both my mother and my sister called, which left me two choices...ignore them and hope that they will just assume I am busy or talk to them and hope that I can act somewhat normal and not break down and tell them.  So I talked to my sister...for an hour and can I tell you how hard that was!  We talked about everything, her work, my work, her husband, the guy I'm dating and the drama that comes with that whole situation (minus the fact that I am pregnant), and the whole time I am trying to not let it slip.  I didn't talk to my mom, but I know full well that I am going to have to sooner or later.  She sounded a little concerned on her voice mail and she texted today.  I have a feeling when I talk to her everything will come spilling out and I am not sure I am ready to deal with the consequences of that.  I know that she is not going to be upset with me, she was so good with me the last time, even offered to raise the baby as her own.  But I don't want to disappoint her and I don't want her to worry about me.  My other sister called me last week, actually it was my niece and I have yet to call her back.  If I don't start returning people's calls and FB messages, they are going to start to worry, but I just can't bring myself to do it.  I feel like I am a fraud, like I am hiding this huge part of me right now.  So much for being honest right?  I keep contemplating just sending a group message to my mom and sisters with the link to my blog and deal with the aftermath once they read it, but is that the right way to tell them what's going on in my life?  Is it fair to them to have to read it online?
I had an interesting conversation with the guy on Monday night, he has been really good lately and checking on me to make sure I'm ok and see if I need anything, but he could tell something was wrong.  I told him that I had mixed feelings about my appointment the next day, that I wasn't sure that this is really what I wanted to do.  His response shocked me.  He said that he would completely understand if I chose to keep the baby, that it wouldn't be easy but we would figure something out.  That was probably one of the best things he could say, even though I know that realistically that is not an option for us.  Neither one of us are in a place right now where it would be fair to bring a new baby into the world.  I can't raise a baby, I can't afford a baby, I can barely afford to take care of myself and I sure as hell cannot carry a baby for 9 months and just give it away to someone else.  But it is good to know that he is not completely against keeping it if that is what I choose.

Today is a hard day but a good day.  I feel so sick and like I haven't slept in weeks, although I have been getting more than enough sleep.  Got up this morning feeling a bit more secure in my position in life.  The guy I have been seeing picked me up and we went for a walk in the woods, spent some time at the river.  Nothing too exciting but it was a good time, some much needed time of quiet, just the two of us, with no drama from anyone.  We had a good talk on Friday.  He basically told me that on that day that I was so miserable at home, his ex was at his house, just hanging out.  He said that he was so uncomfortable the whole time, he didn't feel like himself and he realized that it really was the right thing to not be with her.  He said that he wanted to continue seeing me, that he is comfortable with me and we have fun together and he wants to continue whatever it is that we are doing.  So that is where I am now.  Not exactly where I had set out to be when I made the decision to be single a few months ago, but not tied down either.  I am still free to do what I want and that is a good feeling.  It is also a good feeling to know that someone is there to have fun with and be there for me if I need it.  I have fought these feelings with him and kept my walls up just because this was not my "plan", but apparently plans are made to be broken and I am done fighting what my brain says I want to do, if I get hurt in the process oh well...it will make me stronger in the end.  And in the mean time I will  have all the fun I can and enjoy the people in my life.
I received a card in the mail today from my sister and the minute I read it I started bawling.  She told me that she hopes I make the most of my new freedom and find happiness for myself.  That is my new plan...make the most of everyday, be as happy as I can and try to not regret anything that I do.  I have never been very good at any of that so this will be my true test and I am excited at all the new possibilities.